I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
