All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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