I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
