i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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