I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
