Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
