I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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