I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
this boner is exhausting
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
