The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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