Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
