my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
