That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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