once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
