We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
