I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
