i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
