when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
