Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
