I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
