Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
