i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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