so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
