woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
