If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I need a beard to bite.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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