Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
