I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
