What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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