Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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