Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
