Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
