So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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