we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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