i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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