My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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