Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
