dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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