It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Damn victory sex feels great
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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