Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
