What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
