I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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