He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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