someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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