i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
