I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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