I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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