Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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