you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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