im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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