I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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