Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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