I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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