Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
